Honoring Parents When They Don’t Deserve It

As a pastor, I’m often asked questions about difficult family relationships. One of the most common is, “How can I honor my parents when they’ve been so difficult—or even hurtful?” This week, someone asked me this question again, and it’s not the first time it’s come up. It’s also one of the questions we’ve recently added to the “Snake Pit”—our list of challenging questions waiting to be answered on our podcast, Snake on the Table. We’ll be addressing it there soon.

It’s a deeply personal and painful question for many Christians. How do you reconcile the biblical command to honor your father and mother (Exodus 20:12) with the reality that your parents may have been harsh, absent, neglectful, or even abusive? Is it possible to honor them without excusing their sin or pretending the hurt isn’t real? What does honoring parents actually look like when the relationship is strained?

This article is my fuller, more detailed answer to those questions. It’s designed to capture the nuance of several common situations and offer practical steps rooted in biblical truth. I hope it helps you navigate these painful dynamics with wisdom and grace.

The call to honor your parents is rooted in Scripture and found in the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged on the land which the LORD your God gives you” (Exodus 20:12). Paul repeats this command in Ephesians 6:1-3, affirming its timeless importance. This command has no expiration date. Honoring your parents as an adult is not optional, even when they’ve fallen short.

Need a definition? Honoring your parents means showing respect for their God-given role in your life for the rest of your life. It involves recognizing the ways they’ve contributed to your life, speaking to and about them with dignity, and showing gratitude for their strengths and sacrifices.

"But, Pastor... you don't know all the horrible things my parents did to me."

No, I don’t. I can’t fully understand the pain or weight of your experiences. But I have heard some truly heartbreaking stories—things that make parents unsafe, things so serious that the State had to step in. These aren’t small wounds. They’re deep, and they may require ongoing counseling, prayer, and support.

Let me be clear: this command to honor your parents should never serve as a cover for sin or an excuse to ignore real-world consequences. Honoring doesn’t mean excusing abuse, pretending everything is fine, or sweeping sin under the rug.

This is about how you conduct yourself—how you respond—in a way that keeps your conscience clear before the Lord. Even in situations of profound brokenness, God calls you to reflect His character. Honoring your parents doesn’t depend on their worthiness but on your faithfulness to God’s design and command.

If your relationship with your parents is strained or if they’ve been dishonorable in their behavior, honoring them may feel like an impossible task. However, the Bible calls you to obedience in this area, and with God’s help, it is possible to show honor even in difficult circumstances. Here are some practical ways to approach this challenge.

Sometimes honoring your parents means setting boundaries to protect yourself or others from harm. Boundaries are not acts of dishonor; they are tools to preserve relationships in healthy ways. Clear communication is key in this process. For example, you might say, “Mom, I want to visit with you, but if you criticize my husband, I’ll need to end the visit and try again later.” Or, “Dad, I love you, but I can’t have a productive conversation when you’re yelling. If it happens, I’ll need to step away until we can both calm down.”

These kinds of boundaries allow you to address harmful behavior while leaving the door open for continued interaction. They communicate both respect and accountability.

"But, I've read online that I should cut them off completely."

Friend, permanent estrangement, or “going No Contact,” is a worldly idea that is fundamentally at odds with the gospel. While the world promotes cutting people off as a way to protect yourself, the gospel calls you to reflect God’s heart for reconciliation. Just as God pursued reconciliation with you while you were still in sin (Romans 5:8), Christians are called to leave the door open for restored relationships. Even when boundaries are necessary, they should be redemptive, not punitive—always pointing toward the possibility of reconciliation in God’s timing.

This is my go-to counsel. If we’ve ever spoken about this topic, you’ve heard me say: intentionally search for what is honorable in them. Even in the most challenging relationships, there are often qualities you can respect or admire—though it may take effort to notice them. Perhaps your parents demonstrated a strong work ethic, were skilled in a particular trade, or made sacrifices for your family. Focusing on these strengths allows you to show respect without excusing their faults or overlooking past hurts.

In my own life, I’ve found this to be a key strategy. My father was a mechanic, a hard worker, and a generous man. Even when other parts of our relationship were challenging, I could respect these qualities. I made it a point to call him for advice on car repairs or ask his opinion on practical matters where his expertise shone. These conversations not only allowed me to honor his strengths but also provided opportunities to build a connection in meaningful ways.

If you struggle to see anything praiseworthy in your parents, ask God to reveal it to you. Reflect on the ways He has used them in your life, even if indirectly. By focusing on what is good, you can honor their God-given role without denying the challenges of the relationship.

Having found something honorable, deploy it—express appreciation for their strengths, both privately and publicly. Praise doesn’t have to be overly sentimental or dishonest—it simply acknowledges what they’ve done well. For example, you might say, “Mom, I really appreciate how hard you worked to provide for us growing up,” or, “Dad, I’ve always admired your generosity.”

These small moments of affirmation can soften relational tension and create opportunities for connection. Praising your parents in front of others—when appropriate—can also honor them in meaningful ways, as long as it’s genuine and not forced.

Honoring your parents often involves tangible acts of service, even when the relationship is strained. Offering help with practical needs—like running errands, assisting with household tasks, or checking on their health—can demonstrate respect and care. These actions communicate that you value them, even if past wounds remain unresolved. Jesus modeled this kind of sacrificial love, and by serving your parents, you reflect His grace and humility.

Special occasions also provide meaningful opportunities to honor your parents. Acknowledge their birthdays, invite them to family gatherings during holidays, or offer your presence and support in times of grief, such as the death of a loved one. Even small gestures—a thoughtful card, a phone call, or an invitation to celebrate with you—can communicate that you still care, regardless of past difficulties. These moments are opportunities to live out the gospel by demonstrating grace, kindness, and respect.

Prayer is one of the most powerful ways to honor difficult parents. Pray for God to work in their hearts, to heal their wounds, and to bring them into closer relationship with Him. Ask God to soften your own heart as well, so that you can approach them with grace and forgiveness. Even if the relationship doesn’t change immediately, prayer keeps your focus on God’s sovereignty and prevents bitterness from taking root. 

Honoring dishonorable parents is one of the hardest commands to obey. It requires humility, forgiveness, and grace—things that are impossible in your own strength. But the gospel reminds you that Christ extended grace to you when you were undeserving (Romans 5:8). His Spirit equips you to show that same grace to others, including your parents.

If the relationship is toxic or abusive, maintaining physical or emotional distance may be necessary for your safety. However, even in these situations, you can honor your parents through prayer, speaking respectfully, and leaving the door open for repentance and restoration.

Honoring your parents doesn’t mean excusing their sins or pretending the pain isn’t real. It means reflecting Christ’s love by showing respect, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking their good. By focusing on what is honorable, serving them practically, and praying for them faithfully, you fulfill God’s command in a way that glorifies Him and protects your heart from bitterness.

This became deeply personal for me with my dad. Our relationship wasn’t always easy, but God helped me focus on his strengths—his hard work, generosity, and expertise. I prioritized explaining the gospel to him, knowing that his greatest need wasn’t just for a better relationship with me but for reconciliation with God. To my knowledge, he passed in unbelief in March 2017. That reality is heavy, but I’m grateful for the steps God enabled me to take to honor him while he was here. Those moments of respect and love were not wasted—they were acts of obedience to Christ, and they reflected the hope I longed for my dad to embrace.

If you’re wrestling with how to honor your parents, let the gospel guide you. God honored and pursued you when you were at your worst, and He calls you to reflect that same grace. Even when relationships remain broken or outcomes aren’t what you prayed for, your obedience to God’s command will glorify Him and shape your heart. Let His love and the hope of the gospel be the foundation for this challenging, but deeply important, calling.

Christ is King!

Photo Credit: Shutterstock/Jack Frog (Just some random people who would likely hate knowing they were featured in this article. Such is the life of a royalty-free model.)